No one really knows what to expect heading into the inaugural year of the EWL, except incredible fun and happiness. The teams will feel each other out and feel each other up during the first few weeks, and eventually the cream will rise to the top. Here’s an intro to the captain of each squad:
Causasian Vaginas
Captain: Guthrie
Here Guthrie can be seen delivering what is likely the Clawball, the most feared pitch in the galaxy.
Background: Guthrie is experienced on the hardball diamond, leading the South Oakland Ducks to the NABA championship in 2010. He can swing the bat and draw up a gameplan, but will his experience and chiseled jaw-line transfer to the wiffle diamond? Is he a leader of men, or a breeder of hens?
Strengths: clawing the ball with his feline hands and throwing it toward the plate in an unhittable fashion, baritone vocals, squirreling,
Weaknesses: passing out, Hispanic women
4 out of 5 Dentists
Captain: Ron
Ron taking a swing 9 years ago in a different wiffle ball league.
Background: Ron has set multiple wiffle ball records in his career and may even be considered a legend by some, but he hasn’t graced the wiffle diamond in over 5 years. Will his bat be as rusty as his butthole? He has the skill, the acumen, and the acne to take a team to the top, will he return to form?
Strengths: facial hair, passion for the game, tattoos
Weaknesses: prescription drugs, vertical leap
Fish Sticks
Captain: Joey
Joey gon’ rat-a-tat-tat.
Background: Joey is the founder of the AWBL, the greatest wiffle ball league ever created. This one will likely pale in comparison. He led a team to an AWBL title with his skills on the mound and at the plate. With five more years of hair on his head and nearly every other body part, will the commish be able to take the Fish Sticks to the top? Will be conspire to make it happen regardless?
Strengths: physique, genetics, scent
Weaknesses: meat, positive Hepatitis test
Pumice on Slow!
Captain: Brad
Brad just farted.
Background: Brad likely has the biggest arms in the league, but do his arms match the size of his stick? He’s demonstrated his fantasy baseball prowess, shocking the world on more than one occasion. His wiffle skills have yet to be proven. He’ll have to take control of colleagues and one of his wives and form them into a non-traditional family unit in order to have success in the EWL.
Strengths: power, hugs, roller-blading
Weaknesses: speedballs, drag queens
Very nice. I hope the ClawBall can make its debut this Thursday, as long as I don’t pass out mid-pitch, as I am apt to do.