2011 Regular Season Recap – A Rat’s Perspective

10 Jul

The rat is a medium-sized, furry rodent, distinguishable by its dark gray coat, beady eyes, large front teeth and dextrous rat claws.  The common rat is part of the genus Rattus, with the black rat (which coincidentally is not always black) being known to the scientific community as Rattus rattus.  Rats are opportunistic in their nature and thrive in many different environments.  Humans often see the rattus family as pests, when in reality the large bipeds are simply jealous of the amazing adaptability of the rat.  A keen sense of smell and a willingness to make use of nutritious morsels that other species wastefully throw away has helped the rat succeed for thousands of generations.

In the natural world, a typical rat lifespan is approximately one year, mainly due to predation from such creatures as the evil horned owl.

Evil Horned Owl

However, every once in a great while, a special rat manages to outsmart and outwit his dastardly foes, thereby growing exponentially in size, strength and intelligence.  Those rats commonly develop skills that their unlucky brethren just don’t have time to perfect.  Such skills include jumping rope, making delicious lemonade from fresh-squeezed lemons, mastering the martial arts, and developing the ability to throw devastatingly effective Wiffle Ball pitches.


The Wiffle Rat typically develops an arsenal of confounding pitches by the time he reaches full size, which is slightly larger than a regular human.  There’s the Whisker Ball and Tail Ball, Cheese Ball and Trash Ball, Disease Ball Pestilence Ball.  But the most feared and effective of them all is the one that comes most naturally: the CLAW BALL.  Through the course of natural selection, rat claws have been perfectly sized and shaped to hurl a Wiffle Ball.  Once released, the ball takes a seemingly unnatural trajectory towards home plate before zig-zagging around a swinging Wiffle bat.  Dumbfounded opponents often try to stare into the eye of the rat in hopes of having some sort of mental impact.  But the rat psyche is strong and cannot be penetrated by human brain waves.

In true rat fashion, Rat Man observed the EWL regular season without much notice from the human participants.  He quietly observed the numerous Wiffle blasts, pitching techniques and defensive play of EWL participants.  Prior to his EWL on-field debut, the Rat’s favorite plays were home runs over the left field fence and ground rule doubles that dribbled into the ballpark grass.  These plays allowed him to pick up an occasional stray Wiffle ball to take back to his Rat Lair.  Once inside the Lair, Rat Man was able to develop his rat pitches even further.  Then he ate the Wiffle balls, using them to supplement his steady diet of rat pellets.  It’s that kind of dedication that helped Rat perform in his EWL debut, part of which can be seen here: Wiffler’s Digest.

As the first round of playoffs approach this coming week, the Rat expects to see high-caliber, spirited play by all EWL teams.  Whether watching from his lair or making his presence known on the Wiffle Diamond, Rat Man is confident his rat spirit has been instilled in all EWL Wifflers.

Rat On.

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